x-men AU.

[justashotaway]

Since Warren disappeared back into a past she'll never know, Laura's felt more numb than anything. Something else should be there, some sensation besides he was here and now he's gone, but life doesn't seem to change much. She fights bad guys. She eats Chinese food. She falls asleep during a Golden Girls marathon with Gabby and wakes up at three AM with Jonathan sitting on her chest, staring unblinking into her eyes.

And if she misses Warren--or Scott, or Bobby, any of them--the feeling lives someplace inside her without drawing attention to itself. She does miss them, she knows that much intellectually, but she does not want to dredge up the sensation if it's willing to lay dormant someplace inside her.

More than anything, she's restless. And one night, when Gabby and Jonathan have both been invited to the school for some kind of party ("It's a lock-in," Gabby'd explained, "and I'm only going because there's going to be nachos"--which is true, if only because Gabby's never actually been a student there), Laura goes out, too. Not as X-23, but as Laura Kinney, in a leather jacket and black jeans, sitting down at a cheap bar beside a curly-haired girl and ordering a beer.

This, she knows, is how Logan would deal with heartache. She's not sure that's what she's feeling, and she knows better than to take Logan's habits as suggestions in general, but she's willing to give it a try.

Comments

[justashotaway]

They're on a date, wandering around Washington Square Park after dinner, when they run into one of Laura's old teammates. It's inevitable, really--New York City's filled with people, but the presence of the Xavier Institute means that the percentage of X-Men, both former and past, is a lot higher than average. And Laura knows a lot of them. It's inevitable that they'll meet some eventually.

Tonight, it's Bobby on a rare moment outside the school, and even though this is a time period from before he's dating Emma Frost's brother, let's just imagine he's dating Emma Frost's brother, because Bobby deserves nice things. This literally doesn't matter because Christian Frost isn't even here, but it's important, okay. "This is my girlfriend, Tessa."

"Oh! Hey!" Bobby reaches out to shake Tessa's hand, and there's a certain light to his expression that says I like you even better now that I have context. "Bobby Drake. I'm Laura's coolest friend. You know, objectively speaking."

"I'll explain later," Laura mutters, rolling her eyes good-naturedly.

[sulahnan]

It's too much to process in the moment; being called her girlfriend and being introduced to someone who needs no introduction, interpreting his expression and coming up with something funny to say? It's too much for one brain to handle. Which is why she just picks two of those to focus on.

"Funny, she never mentioned you," Tessa says, shaking Bobby's hand and making a face that fully telegraphs the whole that's a joke thing. Then, she looks at Laura. "That's cold, Lo."

Ice puns.

[justashotaway]

"Oh, no," Laura groans, but in that performative way that says I'm secretly pleased with what's happening here. "I think I'm already regretting introducing you."

"Couldn't possibly." Bobby gives her a look, and she gives him one right back. This isn't quite her ideal--Laura thinks introducing Tessa to Remy first might have been the most comfortable option, among her various teammates and friends. But Bobby's probably the best person to start with, from Tessa's end of things. Remy can be a lot to take in. "How long have you two been dating?"

[sulahnan]

Well, that's an easy question. Tessa thinks back to that night at the bar--but no wait, they didn't officially go on a date until the dim sum incident, which was...fuck.

"Five? Months? Ish." That's a long time. That's a long time. The last time she was in a committed relationship it only lasted seven. They're two months shy of that benchmark. She looks to Laura for verification of her estimate. "The dim sum shooting was five months ago, right?"

[justashotaway]

Laura gives a little nod--that sounds about right--and reaches over for her hand, as if to punctuate the thought. Five months. We touch and everything.

"And I'm only meeting her now? I'm hurt, Laura." Bobby puts a little drama into a sigh--but melodrama's never been his strongest suit. Giving Tessa a grin, he adds, "Get Laura to bring you over to the school sometime. I'll send the waiver by beforehand."

And then, after a pause, "That was a joke. Mostly. The toilets haven't lit on fire in at least two weeks."

[sulahnan]

"If it's any consolation," Tessa says, her hand loose in Laura's for a second before she remembers how to ya know...hold hands. With her girlfriend. "You're only the second friend of Laura's I've met. And the first was Gabby."

For all that she tells Laura to relay messages from her to Hank, or whoever else she's heard about, she hasn't actually met any of them. Unless she has and she didn't make the connection between secret identity and super alias.

"Makes sense, if there's a waiver involved."

[justashotaway]

"Yeah, uh, just a little mutant humor," Bobby assures her, somewhere between amused and sheepish. (The latter, Laura assumes, comes from balancing the books every month--she's betting their insurance premiums are terrifying enough without adding in potential claims.) "The Danger Room is definitely under control. Mostly."

"I'll protect you," Laura says dryly.

"It's really not that bad. Don't let me scare you off--especially not before you get to meet everyone else." And he gives Tessa one of those charming smiles of his, the kind that inevitably seem to make people smile back. "You didn't bring her to last year's holiday party, Laura. Convince her to stay 'til we do the white elephant exchange, all right?"

"Talk to me in six months. I'm not discussing this now." But there's a hint of amusement to it, one Bobby picks up on. And that's about it, aside from some good to see yous and goodbyes--Bobby's got places to go, and Laura's got to recover from talking about having a relationship with someone. "Sorry about that."

[sulahnan]

"It's okay," she says.

It's not okay. Tessa doesn't know what The Danger Room is, but she feels like she's in it. Talk to me in six months keeps echoing in her head, bouncing around like the screensaver on an old DVD player.

She clears her throat. "He seems chill."

If there's one thing she can always do no matter the circumstances, it's make jokes. With her girlfriend. Oh god.

[justashotaway]

Laura laughs a little. "You and Bobby have the same sense of humor. Awful."

She's mostly glad that things didn't get more awkward than they already were going to be. Next time they hang out for more than a quick chat, she owes Bobby a beer.

Tessa smells slightly off, like she's unhappy, but she sounds unperturbed. Maybe it's just the weirdness of running into someone from the other half of Laura's life. Something to be aware of, but not really concerned about.

[sulahnan]

"Vague nihilism with a side of puns is very in right now," Tessa says. One shoulder lifts in a lopsided shrug, which matches her lopsided smile. Even if she's off-kilter about being called Laura's girlfriend, she has to remain on-brand at all times.

"But not the Nietzsche brand of nihilism, mind. More like...a dog wearing shutter shades, riding a skateboard, giving a thumbs-up and saying nothing matters."

[justashotaway]

"That's what I hear." They wander under the park's arch, moving vaguely toward the rest of the city. Laura's expression turns bemused as she tries to picture Tessa's version of nihilism. "...Like those binders people reminisce about."

They've never really had the clone discussion, as such, or the child assassin conversation, or the prostitute conversation, or the X-Force conversation--whenever they're together, it's so much easier not to talk about those things. Tessa's probably aware of bits and pieces by now, if only because Gabby's so close to the cloned-assassin experience that she still casually references it at random moments. ("Welcome to Clone Club movie night! You're our special non-clone guest.") It's moments like these, though, when Laura realizes something like the fact that she has no idea what Lisa Frank school supplies are called, that it feels like the elephant in the room.

So maybe they both smell slightly uncomfortable now, but only (she hopes) in a transient kind of way. The awkwardness of missing pieces of each other's worlds. "You don't have to meet anyone else until you're ready. I know my peers can be...a lot."

[sulahnan]

Tessa not understanding the binder reference is 100% because she's too far in her own head to pick up on it. And because she misses that reference, she goes even further down that rabbit hole of trying to find reasons they're not right for each other to justify her own defense.

It's bullshit. They're great together and she shouldn't self-sabotage just to prove her own fears right, but here they are.

"It's fine, really," she insists, and struggles to choose between linking arms and shoving her hands in her pockets. Both seems like a good middle ground. She hooks her arm through Laura's and locks it there with hands in pockets. "Tell me about this Danger Room"

[justashotaway]

"It simulates dangerous situations." She's...never really had to explain the Danger Room to someone before. It feels a little like revealing a secret, even though she's about 99% sure it's not one. (Didn't Kitty say something about demonstrating the schoolwide version to New York school inspectors, a few years ago?) "Going to the Xavier school is...different from going to public school. From what I've heard. You learn to defend yourself--the Danger Room is one of the ways you're taught."

[sulahnan]

"Cool."

For perhaps the first time in five months, Tessa doesn't have anything ready to fill the silence. As they continue walking, she focuses on the ground in front of them, letting Laura lead while she focuses on making sure their steps are in time with one another. Her follow-up questions about the Danger Room or the Xavier school are kind of distant beneath her facade of everything being fine.

And you'd think that with that mess of anxiety going on in her head, it'd take a lot longer to get home but nope. They get to where they're going seemingly in no time at all and that's somehow worse than the alternative because it means inviting Laura in, or being invited in, and everything that entails, which seems like a complicated thing to navigate when you're freaking out about relationships.

So she makes a joke.

"I think we broke our record for uninterrupted dates." No crimes, she means. Bobby doesn't count.

[justashotaway]

Being the talkative one is...strange. Laura does it, because it seems necessary in that moment, but she does so with an awareness that something really does seem wrong. Tessa's next to her, but it doesn't feel like she's really there; when she speaks, it's perfunctory, and when she doesn't, the silence isn't comfortable. It's a long trip for Laura, one she can't actually fill.

And when they get to her apartment building, she says something before they enter. Laura's seen enough television to realize what that means. We're saying goodbye out here. The part she doesn't understand is why.

"Yes." She pauses there near the entrance, studying her girlfriend's face. It takes more effort than she'd like to admit to keep from sniffing at her. "Tessa. Is everything all right?"

[sulahnan]

She can't lie to Laura. She never has before, and knowing about the whole scent thing, it just doesn't seem possible. More than that, she doesn't want to.

Tessa looks down and scuffs her toe against the mat outside the door.

"You...called me your girlfriend," she says quietly. Her tone is more questioning than blaming, because what else would anyone describe them as? It's obvious what they are to each other.

And yet.

[justashotaway]

Laura waits for the problem, but there's nothing else that comes. And while she knows what it feels like to wonder if things are moving too fast, surely Tessa realized... "That's what you are."

[sulahnan]

"Y-yeah," Someone else has to get through the door, and Tessa forces an apologetic smile at them and waits until they're gone to say anything else.

"Um. I just..." Some inarticulate hand gestures and sighing happens before she opens the door herself this time, and tries to be an Adult About This. "Maybe we should talk about this inside. I have to...remember how words work."

[justashotaway]

"Okay." That's a simple enough request--though the idea that one of them's forgotten language, and it's not Laura, still sits oddly. She follows Tessa inside and up to her apartment, trying to decide exactly what this is. Was Tessa under the impression they weren't exclusive? Is she bothered by the idea of being this involved? Maybe Laura's the one who misread the signs here.

For a moment or two, standing on the little welcome mat inside Tessa's door, she feels horribly awkward in a way she hasn't in years. Like she's been spotted behind all the ways she's worked to blend in, and the girl hiding behind the Normal Laura facade still hasn't figured out how not to be a weapon. But she pushes the feeling to the back of her mind and goes over to the couch. If they're going to talk, they might as well sit while they do it.

[sulahnan]

Right. The couch. The couch they bought together. The couch specifically bought by both of them because the old one was soaked in Laura's blood. That couch.

Tessa, you idiot.

"So the thing is," she says, hesitating before sitting cross-legged on the couch, sideways so she can face Laura. And oh gosh what a sorry state her cuticles are in isn't that interesting?

"The thing is, I haven't...I don't really have a...good history? With being anyone's girlfriend. Like...the only people who called me that kind of...really fucked me up when they left." Which is what I'm afraid of now, suddenly.

[justashotaway]

"And I could do the same." She can see why that would be frightening; once someone has some kind of emotional tie to you, they can do what they want, and it can hurt. And if they fucked me up means anything more intense than mere breakups, then that...well, she understands.

Laura gets comfortable, dangling one arm over the side of the couch (which Regis immediately runs over to in search of pets). She wants, she realizes after a moment, to reach over to Tessa and gather her close. But she also wants to have this conversation, and she's not sure it will happen the same way if they're touching. For a moment, she's the kind of quiet that looks like she's on the verge of speaking, and then, tentatively, she asks, "Do you want us to see each other exclusively?"

[sulahnan]

It should be telling that Tessa's first thought is were we not? And once she has time to stop reacting to things with panic at the forefront, she'll recognize that continuing on this road of only casual relationships and only open ones really isn't working. It makes sense to try something different, something exclusive, but it's also terrifying. Like sewing herself to someone else and trusting that they won't rip a hole in her side when they inevitably get tired of her.

"I don't know," she admits, chewing on her lip. "I just...don't want to get hurt again, which sounds stupid when we're sitting on the couch we bought because you got flayed that one time but I'm still--" Fuck. Don't cry this isn't something you need to cry about, Tessa. Take a deep breath.

"--I'm scared." If she stops pretending that she's casual about everything, if she just feels as much as she feels without trying to curb it, she's terrified that she'll be broken beyond repair when Laura leaves.

[justashotaway]

Laura thought they were--but she also thought they were girlfriends, no issues attached except the usual ones. No issuses but your issues. That's an uncomfortable thought, one she'll need to think about later. Right now, she wants--needs--to keep her mind on Tessa.

"Breakups can hurt as much as flaying," Laura says quietly. She remembers talking to Remy about it once, years ago, about all the confusion of caring about someone but not in the same way. The idea that feelings could become unclear again, after so much work put into understanding them, had been horrible. Whatever Tessa's experienced, it sounds as painful. It looks as painful, enough so that Laura reaches over for one of her hands, wanting to do something to ease some of the tension in Tessa's face. "What would make you less scared?"

If they didn't say the g-word? If they said it enough that it lost any potency? She's not sure what's required--there's a kind of low-lying fear that runs through her at the thought of relationships as well, but she's done a lot to tame it in the last decade. And she suspects that it doesn't quite match Tessa's.

[sulahnan]

Time, maybe. Therapy, definitely. If they had had this conversation on the doorstep, she probably would have sent Laura home and spent far too long avoiding the issue and digging herself into a deep dark well of self-loathing.

But Laura reaches for her hand and though Tessa hesitates, as soon as they touch everything is a lot less daunting. It's already different than before; she isn't the one mistakenly calling someone else her girlfriend and being told that they can't love her. She isn't devoting herself to a man who doesn't care. And Laura told Bobby to give it six months. She's planning to stick around at least that long.

"I don't know," she says again, but she laces her fingers through Laura's and doesn't let go or pull away. "Maybe I'll get used to it."

[justashotaway]

Therapy's a nice thought, but it's...look, almost nobody actually does it. The closest Laura's ever gotten is knowing that her father's more into meditation and mindfulness than the average person might expect. In her experience, you carry whatever stones you have to carry, and the only change you can really make is how you keep them from crushing you under their weight.

But maybe it could be different for Tessa.

"Maybe," Laura agrees, looking down at their hands. Something small, something reassuring for both of them (she hopes). It makes Tessa feel nearer, as near as she actually is. "We don't have to say 'girlfriend.' You can be something without saying the name out loud."