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[imahologram]

for whatever miscellaneous bullshit your little heart can come up with.

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4 sonia

[littlemissfutility]

They're back to playing Never Have I Ever, back to the waning hours of the night and their mostly drained cup and bottle. The point of the game has started to transcend drinking. There are things to be learned about each other, and Beth, at least intends to find out as many of them as she can. Sonia's life is one of such contrasts--a princess trapped in the wilderness, a bright spirit surrounded by dour ones--that she can't help but find it fascinating.

"I've never..." Beth searches for something that might be interesting. After a moment, her mouth twisting up into something sheepish, almost apologetic, she says, "I've never kissed a girl."

Maybe you have, says that look. You've done so much I haven't, even out here.

here 4 this

[vorbratta]

Sonia's mouth tilts up in an ironic little smile. Even at this point in the game, she's still comfortably drunk, but she can read that look on Beth's face. She laughs a little, picking up her cup, even though they've long stopped playing by the rules of the game.

"Only twice," Sonia hedges, waving one hand. "Once on Beta Colony, a little before I left. Just an experimental little thing with one of my schoolmates. All giggling and blushing. The second was here. A few years later."

[littlemissfutility]

Beth's smile grows a little less self-conscious as Sonia goes on. It's easy to picture her at thirteen, the same bright eyes in a softer face, pecking a friend and dissolving into laughter immediately after. The second time, though, that one has her interest; she props her chin on her hand, waiting for a story that doesn't quite materialize. After a moment, she asks, "How'd that come about?"

[vorbratta]

"Oh -- hmm..." Sonia's face falls into thoughtfulness as she recalls an old memory. It does seem very far away now.

"We were in Vorbarra's District -- my home district. Northeast from here. The camp there wasn't so..." She gestures vaguely around them. "They were holding out. There were more people there. Well, Vor. The ones who got away from the city. Most of them were soldiers...but there were families there. Even some girls my age. Vor ladies, but, you know..."

Well, Beth probably doesn't know, actually, but Sonia's not really articulate enough to give a crash course in Vor culture right now. "There were a few of us still too young to get married, we formed a little group, it was just...nice. I think we were all a little lonely. A little displaced in war. Especially for them...Vor ladies, they're supposed to be mothers and wives and socialites. There wasn't really room for the latter, which is really the most fun."

She sighs a little in memory, settling back in her seat as her look goes distant, if not a little glazed. "We got drunk a lot. There wasn't much else to do. And there was this other girl, closest to my age -- Vorsoisson, I think...I don't quite remember. We were drunk, and she was pretty, and we were both lonely. It seemed like a good idea at the time. And I liked it -- I think she did too -- which is probably what made her react so badly once she'd sobered up. She tried to swear me to silence." Another sigh. "I would never've had to deal with that crap on Beta Colony."

[littlemissfutility]

It's a story that's familiar, in a distant kind of way. That's how it'd go at home, for a lot of people in a lot of parts of Georgia. A lot of parts of anywhere. Maybe less so now, with so many fewer people around to judge you or love you. Fewer disapproving looks, fewer people to choose from anyway. She's not really sure; the handful of people she'd known were gay are all dead or disappeared into other groups, other parts of the world.

"I'm sorry." It sucks to think of kissing someone, only for them to turn around and decide it was the worst thing that could have happened in a night. Beth's gaze shifts to Sonia's mouth and then down to the table, once she realizes she's looking. Considering. "I didn't know people cared that much about it here."

Though...as she thinks about it, it's not surprising. Their rules about other subjects, like women fighting and people who look different, are strict. Why not girls kissing other girls?

[vorbratta]

"It's Barrayar," Sonia sighs dramatically, as if that explains everything, but, well, it kind of does. "Plenty of deviant crap goes on behind the scenes, but you can't publicly acknowledge it or everything would just fall apart. Poof. And sometimes you can't even privately acknowledgment for shame. Honestly, I love this planet with all my heart and soul, but it has the stupidest double sexual standards."

This is probably a small rant she's had in her a long time, because Olivia already knows this. "Compared to the rest of the Nexus, our civilization is young. We just...haven't had a chance to catch up, is all." Sonia rubs her thumb around the mouth of the bottle. "It'll get there, one day. But...God, I miss Beta Colony sometimes."

[littlemissfutility]

"People used to care at home," she offers, hoping that some sympathy might help. "Well, some people."

She did at one point, even. But that was a long time ago, and these days, Beth doesn't see how anybody has time to worry about who's doing what with who, if everybody involved is okay with it. Things are different here, but they don't have to be.

And that's why she gives her friend a smile, two seconds away from rolling her eyes. "But neither of us give a damn. Screw Barrayar."

Not in general, just about this. Well. This and a couple other things.

sorry about your proto-wine mom bff, beth

[vorbratta]

"No," Sonia says emphatically, raising the bottle, "we don't."

And then, seized by a flutter of drunken humor, she dissolves into laughter and falls back a little. "Screw Barrayar? Screw me," she jokes in the sort of way that only drunk people find funny, with a dramatic swoop of the bottle, and then she puffs out a sigh, still looking amused, if a bit more distantly. "But it is nice to have a girl close to my age. I don't get that much."

not sorry at all

[littlemissfutility]

"You wish," Beth retorts, laughing along with her. It's not really as funny as it feels, but watching Sonia laugh? That's kind of hilarious--she just seems so happy, and with her, it's almost like the war disappears for a minute or two.

She's not drunk, she knows that much. Half a glass of wine isn't going to do anything to anybody, especially not after getting wasted on moonshine. But being here almost feels like being normal again, like being the kind of person who falls apart into giggles over stupid things for no good reason. "Neither do I. S'one of the best parts of Barrayar."

[vorbratta]

Sonia finds that funny, too, though less mystifyingly -- but she can't disagree. Some of the other best things about Barrayar are maybe things that Beth doesn't appreciate the same way Sonia does -- the open sky, the vast bodies of water, things she never had on Beta Colony. She laughs into her cup anyway, her cheeks flushed vibrant pink.

"Have you ever thought about it?" she asks, looking at Beth curiously.

[littlemissfutility]

When Beth's cheeks go a little red, it's not really from the liquor or the cold. She shifts her glass from one hand to the other as she shrugs.

"I don't know. Kind of, I guess." Inasmuch as anybody does, she figures. When it comes down to it, she's a lot more interested in guys, but it's not like any of her boyfriends have lived to their first anniversary together. On the other hand, it's not like they knew many girls her age at home, anyway--who would she have kissed? Just about everyone was either older than Maggie or younger than Carl. But if she had, if there'd been someone more interesting than Zach, maybe... She gives Sonia a crooked little smile. "I mean, it's not like the alternatives are great."

[vorbratta]

Sonia grins, though she tilts her head to the side slightly in amused curiosity. "What alternatives?" she laughs, swirling her cup until she realizes it's empty. Well, time to fix that with the bottle, then.

[littlemissfutility]

"That's what I mean!" That's it exactly--a bunch of outsiders a decade or more older than her, a bunch of soldiers who have their own work and families to think about. Beth's been here long enough that she can tell her prospects aren't great in the romance department. It's pretty disappointing, but what can you do? Survive long enough to go live on a planet with more boys. "You're the only person here I could go out with."

[vorbratta]

"Soldiers," Sonia agrees with a vague wave, but the level of ugh in her voice perfectly conveys her tone. What are they even good for, besides fighting? Disappointments, every one of them. And Barrayar's absolutely ludicrous aversion to different sexualities, even more ugh. Sonia stands up abruptly, nearly falling, but she manages to stand tall, looking defiant but bright-eyed. "Well, why not, then?"

To drunk Sonia, this seems like a perfectly reasonable suggestion.

[littlemissfutility]

"Um." Beth looks up at Sonia, made all the taller with Beth sitting, and tries not to gape. It's not a question she'd thought she'd have to answer tonight, why not? And answering it isn't really the problem, if anything can be said to be a problem right now. Every answer to why not has already been rightly dismissed as stupid (we're both girls) or wobbles on a tightrope between true and false (I don't like you that way). At this moment, she's not sure what it is she feels for Sonia. She likes her, sure, and she's always seen how pretty and vivacious she is. Before tonight, she's never considered whether that could amount to something more than friendship, though.

When she rises, it's more hesitantly, like Sonia's the sober one here. She's half tempted to drain the rest of her wine, see if that might steady her. "Seriously?"

As in, you want to do that? Decidedly not you're crazy if you think I do.

[vorbratta]

"Well, I'm not saying get married or anything," Sonia says with an exaggerated gesture. She has had maybe a little too much wine.

"But if you want to kiss a girl, why not try it? You can kiss me, I don't mind." She gives Beth a teasing grin. "What, don't you think I'm pretty?"

[littlemissfutility]

"No," she answers, stretching the word out uncertainly. Sonia's maybe a little too drunk tonight, but Beth's starting to wonder if maybe she's not drunk enough--this feels so sudden, and at the same like she should have expected it before they even started playing the game. "Of course you're pretty."

Her heart's starting to beat a little faster as she thinks of it. Kiss Sonia, actually kiss Sonia, just for--just for the hell of it. Why not? They'll kiss, it'll be done, and next time she ends up in a drinking game, it'll be one more think she won't have to drink for. Beth glances around the tent. It's mostly, but definitely not entirely, empty. "Then we should go somewhere else. If they're against it that much."