baby stuff

[littlemissfutility]

Waking up from anesthesia is weird. Beth hears things first, a voice she doesn't recognize speaking to her. After a moment or two, she manages to crack her eyes open, her vision coming blearily into focus. More hospital, if a different part of the building. Everything seems soft and yellowy in this little curtained-off portion of room, aside from the nurse looking into her face, reaching to take her pulse, asking questions Beth doesn't answer. There are more important things to worry about first, like where--

Where Dee is. If the baby's all right. As soon as she thinks it, though, she's already got the answer. He's there beside her, staring into one of those little plastic boxes they keep babies in at hospitals, where there's a tiny, sleepy-looking newborn wrapped up in a pink blanket and cap.

The nurse seems used to that kind of reaction, giving Beth a little smile as she hands her a cup. Slowly, she's told, drink slowly and it'll be easier to talk after. When the tepid water hits her tongue, she realizes just how thirsty she is, but she makes herself take two little sips before she does anything else.

"Dee?" Her voice is still a little rough, but she can get her words out. He looks like somebody showed him The Little Mermaid for the first time all over again.

Comments

[d33tached]

[D33 hears the nurses coaching Beth. Somewhere, he realizes that she must be waking up. But it seems as though he is in a trance of his own, eyes glued to the tiny body lying before him, sleeping peacefully, chest rising, falling, rising, falling.

[Beth's voice, hoarse, is enough to break him out of it though. Not a second later and his head is snapping in her direction, eyes opening wide as he rushes to her bedside, squeezes her hand, then reaches to tuck a piece of her hair behind her ear.]

You're awake. How do you feel?

Are you alright, Beth?

[littlemissfutility]

[She looks up at him, taking in the look on his face, like someone just woke him from a dream. This is beyond movies. This is something entirely new. With a little shrug, setting her cup aside, she answers.]

I mean, I'm here. Kind of woozy, but...

[Everything's okay. Everything's great. Even better than great, because all three of them are here, all together in a way they've never been before. Beth smiles a little, taking one of his hands in both her own. The last time she saw him, he was rigid with worry, trying his best to swallow it back for both their sakes; she much prefers the gentle, almost peaceful man hovering at her side.]

How do you feel?

[d33tached]

You're alright.

[He says it softly - nearly sighs it - nothing less than pure relief in his voice.]

I'm alright, of course, I'm--

[His voice cuts off there, almost like a switch has been flipped, his train of thought interrupted by a brick wall - a brick wall sitting in a little plastic baby box, sleeping. His eyes drift over to her again, and he swallows something down in his throat, then looks back to Beth.]

You'd...like to see it-- Her. I assume.

[littlemissfutility]

Yeah.

[Little more than a breath.

Beth's smile spreads as he answers her, her own gaze drifting past him to the baby. She'd thought she loved her as much as anyone could love anyone, but now she's here--now she's her own little person, with little mittens over her tiny hands, and Beth's heart is about to explode.]

Yeah. Could you bring her over?

[It doesn't occur to her that he hasn't even touched her yet. They did the little practice parenting class together, right? He knows how to hold a baby. There's no reason he wouldn't pick her up and hand her to Beth.]

[d33tached]

[They had taken the practice class together, yes, and so, really, there should be no reason, but at Beth's request, D33's entire body stiffens, his jaw clenches.]

I...ah...

[And then he's glancing back to the little girl - small, gentle, fragile. And he turns to flag over a nurse to do the job for him instead.]

[littlemissfutility]

Dee?

[She takes the baby when it's handed to her, but her gaze doesn't actually shift from D33's face. The way he freezes, like someone smacked him in the face...she thought they were past that. He'd seemed genuinely happy about the baby as they got closer to this day. Heck, he'd seemed happy right up until she suggested picking her up.

Before she says anything else, she looks down at the little yawning mouth, the crinkled line of the closed eyes, the tiny hat, everything--and she feels how warm the baby is, and how light and small. She's met barn cats who were bigger than this. Shifting her in her arms, Beth strokes her cheek.]

Have you held her yet?

[d33tached]

[D33 pauses again, that same brick wall expression on his face, and shakes his head.]

Not yet.

[littlemissfutility]

[She studies him, trying to figure out how to answer. After a few moments' consideration, she realizes there's only one option: take it one step at a time, without judgment.]

Do you want to?

[d33tached]

[Without quite noticing himself doing it, D33 sucks in a deep breath, eyes falling again to the little bundle in Beth's arm.

[And, again, he shakes his head, this time without much more to say.

[But he has to say something.]

Perhaps...another time.

You've only just seen her, after all.

[littlemissfutility]

I can share.

[Admittedly, she doesn't want to--she wants to hold her and kiss her little face and keep her right here--but Beth had her to herself for nine months. And if Dee won't hold her now...she's not sure he ever will.

So, with effort, she doesn't leave him at his word and keep cooing over the baby. She watches Dee, taking in that worried, frozen kind of stare. If she pushes him, is that going to make it worse? She can't leave it alone.

But maybe holding the baby's a big step.]

You don't have to hold her. [Yet. A pause.] Have...have you touched her yet?

[d33tached]

[D33 is getting pretty used to shaking his head at this point, and when he does so this time, he almost looks embarrassed - ashamed, maybe, is the right word.]

I didn't want to...[He pauses. How does he put this? How can he put this? His cheeks might be turning red.] I might hurt her. Somehow.

She's only just been born.

[Beth wouldn't hurt her, of course. Her hands were gentle, kind. She was her mother - a woman. She could care for her. D33 would surely bruise or damage her if he tried to touch her, he thinks.]

[littlemissfutility]

[Oh. Oh.

She knows that he doesn't trust himself around children, but on some level, she'd though that had passed. That he'd understand this one could be different. That the presence of his daughter would fix things.

But maybe not. There's a sharp stab in her gut, even though she can't really feel any of it (and thank God for that--she doesn't want to think about the sutures in her belly). If she could get up and gather Dee into her arms next to the baby, she'd do it.]

You love her. [Softly, but firmly. Dee might not be able to say that much himself, but Beth's certain of it. He loves her, and someday, he'll realize just how much.] I know you won't hurt her.

[But Dee's stubborn, and just saying it isn't enough. She tries to decide what a suitable offer might be.] Come closer. Look at her with me.